A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
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I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Who says great literature is dead?