Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
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I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
…u ok Nintendo?
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?