[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
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give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.