Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
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The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
This is the best one I’ve seen
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?