The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
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I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.