#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
You Might Also Like
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
a public service announcement
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.