Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
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Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Smile they said.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real