Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
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Yup
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
doing some research
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.