You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
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her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
What the hell happened here.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Any refunds available?…
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf