If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
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1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
“Wait, let me explain..”
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…