What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
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ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.