i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
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If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord