I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
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Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.