R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
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Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today