I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
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When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Uh oh…
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
This made me chuckle.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I didn’t realize that was an option
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.