You better watch out
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toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
what could possibly go wrong?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t