Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
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Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.