If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
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In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
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Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.