16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
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College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Just me?
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want