Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
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“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying