The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
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My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I wish I were this cool 😂