I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
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i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de