ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
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I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Life cycle of cat
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
How to woo a woman