Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
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The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
road rage
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
And they lived apathetically ever after.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
A man of commitment.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.