If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
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they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Give a baker flours on your first date.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
These 3D printers are insane!
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.