[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
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M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this