if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
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This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Storm Tropical Storm
some cats are just doing for fun!
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke