DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
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[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay