My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
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Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
IT’S-A ME,
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”