[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
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Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times