When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
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Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*