Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
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A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.