i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
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Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
wish me luck lads
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches