Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
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I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I feel seen
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site