A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
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a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.