me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
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Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD