The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
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them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Meow?
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me