Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
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Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Ain’t no way
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What