There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
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One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
There are usually two types of merchants.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.