Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
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I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.