Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
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Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.