[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.