I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
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Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Someone just threatened to call me later
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*