I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
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You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Tell the colonel to bring it
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
😬