Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
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Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Peter Parker Peter Driver
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin