Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
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For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?