So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
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“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Sponch
#DesignFail
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it