One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
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i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.