Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
181.
If only.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.