Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
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A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*